They Call the Cops on Us
by Chunk127
Summary: A crack fic series of one shots based on what would Happen if Faith's original watcher was Al Bundy.
1. Chapter 1

Faith smiled walking into her home. She never thought she'd say that. Mama was an abusive drunk and papa fled before having a habit. She comes in and sees Xander helping a four year old girl with her brunette hair read a Dr. Seuss book. "Hey Xan, Jess what are you two doing?"

Jessie smiled seeing her and ran up to her. "Mommy"

Faith smiled gently rocking her as she picked her up. "Jess, were things really that bad that a week alone with Daddy made you like this."

"I missed you." Jessica defended herself arms wrapped around her mother's neck.

Faith smiled she can't believe it's only been a week since she saw that smile. Seems like a lifetime. "I also brought over a surprise visitor."

Jessica Harris watched as the door opened as she saw a man who has finally come to peace with life with little to no hair and a smile. "Grandpa Al"

Al caught her easily enough she's at that sweet age before she becomes a woman and a long time before she becomes a wife. "Easy pumpkin grandma Peg won't like that so how are you doing?"

"I got in trouble for hitting a bully's head against a jungle gym. He dropped like a rock."

"That's my girl." Al responded.

Faith looked to Xan. "When were you going to tell me that?"

"The kid was a ten year old bully and has been a lot nicer since Jessie got done with him. Thankfully the meeting was at night so Angel went and charmed the pants off the principal but not in a dead body Angelus is back sort of way." Xander defended his daughter he's proud of her. "She'll tell you the whole story."

Faith nodded taking Jess off Al and turned to Xander. "Well after I catch up with her maybe Al won't mind babysitting so we can catch up tonight."

Al shrugged in his usual stoicism but on the bright side if Jessie spends the night then no... "Oh we love having her over."

Faith took Jess and headed towards the four years old's bedroom.

Xander smiled and looked at Al. "Beer"

"Beer" Al agreed.

Xander went into the fridge and got one for each and put a tray of weenie tots on. "So how did things go in Cleveland?"

"You know the usual things a hellmouth can do invisible girl army of vampires." Xander laid the platter out for him. "Ah weenie tots nature's miracle."

"So thanks for agreeing to watch Jessie tonight." Xander answered.

"It's beneficial the closer I get to be to Jessie the… further I get to be from someone else." Al replied. Thinking back to this life who would have thought the British would be useful for something. "Still can't believe you two are still going at it after all this time maybe the secret is to never get married."

"Well to be fair our families were so screwed up if either of us dropped a ring it would be the beginning of the end." Xander replied but sees Al is either mentally at the nudie bar or he's thinking about the past.

* * *

**10 years ago**

Al hopped off the Bus in Boston. He doesn't know who the Watcher's Council is but they're good people. In agreement for lifting the Bundy family curse he agreed to watch over a girl in Boston. They say she's a lost cause and the powers would have to be off their rocker to activate her and it was cheaper to lift the curse and hire Al then an actual watcher and plane fare.

The curse actually being lifted supported the family. Kelly became a famous actress but since she can't remember her address they can't get in touch with her so she's safe from her gold digging mother... and family. Bud became a big shot lawyer at some charity division in LA named after three animals. And all Al has to do is look out for a child he doesn't even have to be a parent. Al took out the piece of paper the oracle gave him and headed to room 106. When he got there he saw an unwanted sight of a shirtless guy on top of a girl as he rolled his eyes and opened the door. Al yanked the kid up by the back of his hair it's going to be Kelly all over again. "Let me give you the tour."

Al took two steps and stopped. "This is her bedpost." Al slams the boys head into the bedpost and pointed at the dresser. "This is her dresser" Al slams his head into it before dragging him out in a headlock. "And this is our front door."

Faith makes repeated notes she has to learn how to do this as Al pummels Barry or was it Gary's head with the front door opening and closing it a few times before he steals his wallet and throws him out. Faith looked at the older man "This is his place and before that who the hell are you?"

"I am Al Bundy I was sent by the watcher's council to replace Diana."

Faith smiled Diana was nice but bailed on her, couldn't her new watcher at least have hair. "Well you beat him up and sent him flying before I learned his right name is so thanks for that."

Al looked at her. "You seem like a smart girl considering you've been living on your own why would you go with a bum like that."

"Hey guys see me and let's just say their priorities shift." Faith countered. "By the way you ripped off a guy for three bucks."

Al showed her a wad of twenties. "I counted it at three hundred."

Faith looked at him. "He stole and dine and dashed leaving me holding the bag, that fucking klepto."

"Well his name is Steve." Al said looking at the ID.

"So where are we going to live?" Faith asked.

Al shrugged seeing Faith hurt she looks like she wants an honest relationship but life just keeps screwing her. "Well the first thing we're going to do is grab everything valuable and get the best hotel room three hundred bucks can buy for tonight come on."

Faith smiled never expecting a watcher to say that as she grabbed all the jewelry she could along with Steve's keys while Al went for the TV as the two emptied out of the apartment in seconds to mark the beginning of their new lives driving off in Steve's car.

* * *

Author's Notes

Crack Fic at it's finest. And little ficlets for me to write when i get writer's block once in a while.


	2. Chapter 2

Faith looked out in the backyard in Chicago. She has to say she enjoyed being on the open road more but for now Al said he needed a couple days at home. Faith was instantly against it though thanks to her screwed up life. Last time someone pulled the Hallmark family moment with her she was locked in the basement with their vampire son for dinner and only survived something screamed inside of her to pull off the blinds. And ever since then she's been weary of people with good intentions. So she was relieved when Al just said here's the crappy bed get your own damn food.

Faith came downstairs and saw Al setting up a target in the backyard. And that great wad of red hair watching TV passed out on the couch. Faith came downstairs and just playfully petted their little cocker spaniel slipping him a snack she had last night as the redhead awoke from the couch and turned to them.

"Do I smell food?"

Faith quickly shot up and Lucky laid down on the snack. "No!"

Al came in and saw his potential and has to say he's kind of upset he didn't have Faith for a daughter they watched pro wrestling the other night and Al got a laugh out of Kane because he knows the truth. He married the real big red machine. "Alright Faith today you're going to learn how to use a longbow?"

Faith looked at Al with a face of confusion why does she have to do this. "OK but why can't they modernize their weapons old man?"

Al was wondering that too. The crossbow is flimsy and sloppy at best. He knows a headshot with a double barrel that would do wonders if what he was taught was actually true. "Yeah but Faith you forget they're British. It's their jobs to find something simple and complicate or wussify it all while drinking their weak ass tea that we dumped into the harbor years ago because we're Americans and we hate that crap. Still not as bad as the French though... So let's go."

Faith rolls her eyes but better Al then Princess Margaret besides someone pulls out a compound bow during the fight you know they mean business. "OK teach me master Bundy you're my only hope."

* * *

Al stood next to the bulls eye. "OK Faith as far as I know off TV put the arrow on the string pull back and let go."

Faith nodded and did as told loosing an arrow that went clear through the hole in the fence and heard a popping sound. "...Little off"

Al smiled seeing what Faith hit. "No... wonderful shot try again."

Faith shrugged and grabbed another arrow. She took a breath and let it loose and her eyes popped out seeing she shot Al in the leg.

Al meanwhile was hopping across the yard trying to pull it out. "In the bone, in the bone, in the bone."

Faith watched as a very tiny woman with a boyish hair cut came over and looked at Al as he fluttered about.

The woman didn't waste any time and yanked the arrow out of Al's leg as the shoe salesman swallowed a yelp and saw she was now holding two arrows. "Very good Faith but we're not shooting livestock today. Marcy what the hell are you doing here?"

Marcy glared at the shoe salesman. "Don't get me wrong Pillsbury shoe boy." She elbowed Al in the stomach and he just grunted earning her the glare of Faith. "I appreciate you trying to pass down your Neanderthal methods to the next generation but you know what I see."

"At sixteen I'm more developed then you ever were." Faith supplied.

Al hid a grin holding Marcy back with one arm and Faith with the other. "Now, now, Marcy it's a new job and I have to teach this girl how to use a bow."

Marcy looked Faith over it's hard to believe this little hoodlum wasn't a Bundy. "Just keep her away from my Mercedes she hit a tire."

"Bock bock watch the car got it." Al said walking over to Faith.

Marcy walked over to the chair she's not missing this. "Well believe it or not Al we don't all have cars that melt in the rain. Some of us take pride in how our cars look… and how we look as people."

Al was helping Faith set up and aim. "Just wait until you have your shot and let go when you think its right ok."

Faith let go and the arrow deflected off the barbeque right back at them hitting Al in the shoulder as he lets out another wail of pain.

Faith is over and breaks the arrow and pulls it out she hopes she didn't get anything vital. "Are you OK?"

Al nodded while hearing a sickening laugh. "Not the first time I've been shot."

Faith's ears caught that laugh and turned around seeing Marcy was the source. "What the hell was that? It sounded like a bird in heat."

Al smirked calming down. "Chicken to be more accurate"

Marcy glared at the two with her hands at her hip and her neck moving forward and bobbing her head at the two of them. "I am not a chicken."

Faith retook her position and Marcy moved in front of the target seemed to be the only safe place. Al took sanctuary up on the roof.

Al shouted. "Now Faith just wait for your moment and shoot."

Faith waited and took her shot seeing it bounce off the barbeque and a tree before disappearing out of sight. "Where the hell did it go?"

"WATCH IT NOW!"

Faith looked up and quickly ran out of the way as Al fell smack onto the concrete an arrow sticking out of his butt.

Marcy started laughing again as a heavy shadow filled the place blocking out the sun.

Faith was set to tell her off until she looked up and saw something that has to be demonic that thing is huge. "What the hell is that?"

Al looked up and suddenly the pain doesn't feel that bad anymore. "Ah I think its Papa Bird."

"It's like an F-18 with a god damn beak." Faith said watching the monster descend on Marcy taking the tiny woman to the sky.

"Put me down… let me go."

Faith looked at it. Who would have thought you could see a bird lift a human 50 feet in the air. She also tilts her head wondering what's it doing to her. "What the hell is it doing?"

Al looked at it and this is new even to him. "It looks like it's awkwardly positioning her…" The realization hits Al as his face contorts. "Faith in all that is holy kill it now."

"I never aimed against a moving…"

"Don't think just shoot before I'm blind." Al ordered.

Faith took aim as something rushed through her. She aimed again and let her arrow loose as it took to the sky. To Al's surprise the arrow punctured right through the bird's neck. As it dropped Marcy and started falling itself as Marcy fell to the floor and the bird landed smack in the yard.

Marcy got to her feet her shirt and pants disheveled with claw marks and feathers in her hair. "I think I'm going to call it a day nice to meet you Faith…Al."

Al just has a wide grin seeing her leave. Yeah he might have got shot with three arrows but it was well worth it.

* * *

Al and Faith sat against the fence with two empty pizza boxes and two more in front of them. Al has never seen a girl like Faith currently she's already on her second box. Al looks up and sees Peg staring at the two. Al rolled his eyes. All good things must come to an end. "What do you want Peg?"

"Just thought I'd let you know I was going out. So what did you two do today?"

Faith shrugged. "I shot a chicken out of the sky."

"She also shot a bird." Al added.

Peg nodded she deals with Faith mainly because of Al. They don't get along but... its so much more money then the shoe store. "Well I hope you had fun if you need me I'll be at the mall shopping will you miss me?"

"I've missed you with every bullet so far." Al replied as he went into his pocket… uh oh. "Peg… if you leave right now you're going to miss Oprah."

"It's been pre empted. Like I really care that some cheerleader in California broke her boyfriend's arm, killed the woman he was cheating on her with and then knocked down books on her best friend if you need me you'll know where I'll be."

Al simply shrugged. "It's the only place that's not the couch."

Peg left and Faith saw Al muttering under breath. "What's up old man?"

"Wife stole my wallet." Al replied "And I'm too full to chase after her."

Faith looked at her soda and her pizzas. "Well you still got $60 from what the zoo gave us for that bird corpse."

Al nodded bright side to everything. "Let that be a lesson to you young lady always show up at the zoo to do business during peak business hours a zoo full of kids is a great deal of leverage."

Faith took a bite. "I hate to ask but isn't Mama bird going to kill us for killing Papa bird?"

Al shook his head finishing a drink. "No we killed Mama Bird setting up a satellite dish... only took 5 minutes."

"Can I ask you something?" Faith asked curiously.

Al shrugged. "Got my pizza got my drink… why not."

Faith took a drink and asked Al about what's been bugging her since she got here. She thought her life was bad but at least she wised up to fleeing and moving on. "Why haven't you bailed yet…? I mean your wife bleeds you dry and don't give anything back and your neighbor is some sort of chicken hybrid that I'm pretty sure is married to that guy that keeps killing TV shows."

"To be fair most people think he's married to the kid from home improvement." Al replied.

Faith smiled taking a bite of pizza. "And your wife?"

Al shrugged. "Your wife is your wife. It's like an old car you refuse to let go. Sure it gives you problems and drains you dry but over the years you get attached to that car... Can't live without that car... Love that car that car despite all the hell it puts you through and finding out mother of said car is a 747." Al fights off a round of PTSD and turns to Faith. "Do you understand?"

Faith nodded. "I think I do. You love her many faults and all."

Al nodded. "Well don't say it like that. And I'm sure one day you'll find a guy to make just as miserable."

Faith got to her feet and looked at him. "I wouldn't get my hopes up on that one. I'm heading out for a jog."

"You just ate one and a half pizzas don't you think you should take a break?" Al asked.

Faith innocently shrugged. "What can I say I've been on a rush all afternoon? Later"

Al simply waved her off all in all good day.

* * *

Author's Notes

Peg will be expanded on later on when a certain carpenter is introduced.


	3. Chapter 3

Jessica Harris sat with a smile looking at the pictures. She loves stories from her Grandpa Al because they're all real. She looks down and sees a picture of Mommy with another blond she doesn't know. That's not Aunt Buffy. "Grandpa Al, who's that with Mommy?"

Al smiled looking at the picture. "That's my daughter, Kelly?"

"How come I don't know her isn't she on that show on Channel 10?" Jessie asked.

Al shrugged and thought this through best he could. "Well, Kelly always has problems remembering things like addresses, phone numbers, that a wedding ring means the man is married. Also she's ashamed of me and Grandma Peg as she should be."

"Do you miss her?" Jessie asked.

Al nodded. "Not as much as I used to. I ended up getting surprised by having another daughter much later in life. And I know Kelly is successful. Also I know her husband will take care of her."

Jessie looked up at him curious. "How?"

"Because mommies and daddies always look out for each other… And he still has post traumatic stress disorder from when I met him at the movies."

Jessie looked over to the closet and she knows what he keeps hidden there. "Grandpa Al, can we read from my favorite story?"

Al looked at her. Faith is going to kill him but he can't say no that face. "Yeah, OK go to where I hide it from your mom."

Jessie hopped off and ran for her father's bureau and rummages through a pink Hawaiian shirt until she pulls out a manila folder and runs back hopping on Al's lap.

Al grunted but smiled as he took the folder and opened it up and started. "OK, the criminal record of Faith go… forget yourself Lehane."

"Is that really mommy's middle name?" Jessie asked she has to learn how to read but she is starting letters.

Al smiled starting to read it. "You're going to have to ask her, on that one."

* * *

Faith came walking up the door with Xander covered in demonic goo. "You know before the demons showed up it was a nice little surprise Xan..."

Xander was shaking it off his arms he got covered a lot more then she did. "Yeah, well jokes on me for a surprise romantic picnic. How come we can't attract ants like normal people I ask you?"

Faith smiled. "Well considering we brought swords and axes I'd say we were asking for it. It was the course for us. Didn't appreciate how it ended though."

Xander looked at himself and his charming girlfriend/housemate/mother of his child/fellow living in sinner. "Yeah but Faith you had a couple drops, while I look like I just came from a nickelodeon show thanks to you decapitating that slime demon right on top of me."

Faith shrugged and looked at him she was straddling him; no one does that but her. "Xan it's not my fault all female demons think you're a sexy bitch. That ship sailed long before you even met me."

Faith opened the door and they knew enough to know that when Al was reading to Jessie he didn't pay much attention to them.

"Grandpa, isn't guilty the bad one?"

"Yes, pumpkin"

Faith walked into the room and saw the manila folder from hell.

Jessie looked at the picture and was confused. "Then why is mommy raising her arms like she won?"

Al smiled. "That's because Mommy got lucky and was charged as a minor for that thanks to contaminated evidence and only had to pick up trash for a few weekends."

Faith came in with a smile. "Hey, Jess I think it's past your bed time."

Jessie frowned she never gets to stay up late. "But I want to hear the end of the story."

"Next time babe, OK." Faith scooped Jessie up in one arm and her file in the other giving them both to Xander. "Put her down to sleep, take a shower, and get rid of that. I ever find out the slayer that's doing it I'm going to knock her teeth out."

Xander smiled and started walking with Jessie. "Absolutely, I mean it's your life, the girls shouldn't keep doing that." He gets to the closet and sees Faith is talking to Al and quietly puts the folder back in his pink shirt as Jessie smiled. "I find out who's doing it I'm going to kick her butt." Xander carries Jessie off it's a very censored version of Faith's records and her actual middle name will be added next week since Jess is learning the letter F now. It lets Jessie feel like she's researching and teaches her to listen to her parents.

Faith looked at Al. "So you want a beer? Xan is the marathon shower man."

Al nodded knowing they hide them here because the one time they didn't they all disappeared while he watched Jessie.

Faith came in with two bottles. "So, please tell me you weren't telling her about the bus vamps."

"Of course not."

"What about the other thing?" Faith asked with a bit of sadness.

Al shakes his head no gravely. Damn watcher's council damn soft spot on Wesley's that never healed from the aftermath. "That's for you to tell her when she's older."

Faith nodded and was thinking it through. "What the heck did you tell her?"

"The movie theater rumble in Chicago." Al replied.

Faith thought on that for a moment. "Was that the time you beat up K's hubby?"

Al smiled thinking back on easier times. "No. You know that wasn't the first time I beat him up in a movie theater either. You hear from them ever?"

"No, but the guy is a stuntman on Bones. More then enough to keep a roof over her head even without Kelly's show." Faith replied.

Al looked at her. "You ever watch their shows?"

Faith shakes her head. "No just a couple episodes of Bones, the guy has too much of a freaky resemblance to Angel. Also I think I saw Bob Rooney on there once too. So you told her about the grease monkeys."

Al nodded as they each drank and thought of earlier times.

* * *

**10 Years Ago**

Faith waited in line for the theater with Al. She's actually enjoying a movie with an older guy that actually doesn't want a thing from her. She sees a man in a leather jacket walk up to her and she just puts her hand up to stop him. "Not interested Fonzie keep walking."

Al looked at her as the guy glared but started to leave seeing Al's face. "Nothing personal but I've seen you go off with far uglier."

Faith shrugged. "And tonight I want to spend time with my sugar daddy what's the problem?"

Al shrugged actually glad Faith is raising her standards after some of the guys she brought home. "Nothing, just making sure you're feeling alright."

Faith felt a hand in an unwanted location as she quickly pulled it off her ass and wrenched it behind his back revealing another grease monkey. "Piss off" She shoves him into the wall knocking him down.

Faith turned back to Al. "I just want to watch a movie with my watcher, plenty of time in the night to find a stud if I wanted to."

Al quietly walked into the theater with her.

* * *

Faith smiled walking out of theater's back door and stretches her arms. "You don't think there are actually demons like those things do you, because I'm not slaying them."

Al shakes his head no. "Those bugs are fake, but that was a beautiful movie. A co ed shower scene for both of us, thousands of people died horrible bloody deaths, no sense of story what so ever."

Faith smiled but quickly rolled her eyes. "Al, on your six"

Al turned around and saw the same group from earlier. "You know I'm trying to enjoy a family moment with my daughter what the hell do you want?"

Faith smiled inwardly but it could just be an excuse for an older guy seeing a movie with a sixteen year old.

Faith watches the biker from earlier poker her in the shoulder. "Your girl embarrassed me in front of my posse."

Faith rolled her eyes in disgust. "A, get new clothes we're not in the sixties. B, no one says posse. C, I didn't as much as flirt with you so get out of my face before something bad happens to you."

The guy had enough and pinned her to the wall causing Al to simply smile. "Oh please the way you dress, you're pretty much asking for it from anyone who winks an eyebrow at you. Let me guess Mommy was a stripper and you wanted her attention."

Al rolled his eyes the look of hurt on Faith's face and before the kid could even react Al slugged him in the face as Faith took on the cavalry. Al grabbed the dazed kid and repeatedly smashed his head against a door while Faith settled for kicking and punching them in the face as the police pulled up to them one of the leather gang got thrown through their front window by Faith.

Faith sheepishly put her hands up. Ever since big bird she's been having problems controlling her strength.

* * *

Faith leaned back against her cell never in a better mood for someone who just got arrested. She smiled looking at Al and wondered if they locked them up together for the good of everyone else. "Thanks for punching that guy in the face. But you know I would have done it."

Al nodded with a smile. "Yeah, but Faith you have a temper problem and knowing our luck the punk kid would have found something to sue for. Me… I don't have a future or anything to sue for. So what's really your middle name I know it's not go fuck yourself."

Faith's face distorted. "It never leaves the cell."

"Fine" Al replied.

Faith looked away fine. "It's Elanor."

Al looked away smirking. "Elanor"

"Shut up! It's what happens when you give birth then likely fail a breathalyzer test. I'm just thankful it wasn't Bloody Mary" Faith quipped as Al patted her on the shoulder and kindly informed her.

"it's nice, and Bud's middle name is Franklin." Faith couldn't help but just laugh right there with Al.

* * *

Faith smiled seeing that Al was actually just trying to protect her and cheer her up. She also saw a trio of cops enter one of whom was Marcy's husband wheeling what looked to be a birthday cake with a 100 in the middle. Along with a brownie with a number one candle like you'd get for a birthday cake for the baby's first birthday.

"Happy one hundred to you! Happy one hundred to you! Happy one hundred Dear Al! Happy one hundred to you!"

Al smiled and blew out the candles.

Faith turned to a chunky fat cop who said. "So Al, what you wish for?"

"A hundred more to get away form the wife." Al replied as all four men laughed. "So where are Ike and Griff? I can't believe they'd miss this."

"Contaminating evidence" The cop in the middle answered.

Faith looked around to her utter confusion. "OK what is going on here?"

Al smiled as he made the introductions. "Faith these are all good friends of mine. You already know the one on the left is Jefferson Darcy, the one in the middle is Officer Dan, the only here that's an actual cop, and the one on the right is Bob Rooney. Guys this is Faith Lehane."

Faith smiled and shook the hands of all three from her cell finishing with Office Dan. "So what was this about?"

Jefferson smiled. "Oh, tonight was a big night for Al."

Officer Dan nodded in agreement. "It was his official one hundredth time he was arrested." He put down the cake and grabbed the brownie. "Speaking of which Jefferson told us about you and if you're hanging out with him, we're probably going to be seeing a lot of each other."

Faith smiled just because of the way he said it. It wasn't strict you're a failure and we'll be seeing a lot more of you hard ass way she's used to hearing it. It seemed like a playful rib at Al more then anything.

Officer Dan continued. "And any friend of Al's is a friend of ours." He lights the candle. "Al, fellas."

"Happy first arrest to you! Happy first arrest to you! Happy first arrest Dear Faith! Happy first arrest to you!"

"And many more." Al quipped with a smile and gently touched her on the shoulder. "Come on Faith make a wish."

Faith smiled thinking of a wish never having anything like this, someone always looking out for her. She wants Al to be her watcher always. Faith blows out the candle to the applause of the guys.

* * *

**The Present**

Faith smiled thinking back to that day instead of aggravated assault thanks to what ended up being a spoiled rich kid. Al and his friends made sure all they had to do was pick up trash for three weekends since they never started the fight.

Al looked at her. "What's on your mind?"

"Your hundredth arrest." Faith replied.

"You know I'm up to 142." Al added.

Faith smiled with a bottle in hand and playfully toasted. "To two hundred"

"To two hundred" Al replied clinking Faith's bottle with his own.


End file.
